☊ colossal writer’s block ☊

Has been months now. Maybe even some years now. I can't exactly say when I stopped writing, really. It just dawned on me on a totally random, unexceptionally bleak day~ WORDS have started to literally FAIL me. I just dropped any thought process whatsoever. Bliss, sorrow, oblivion, regret and redemption ~ everything just washes over me relentlessly, one after another. I've become a passive spectator to my own tumultuous absurdities. It feels so tiring to think back, fight back, reason against it… so I choose to just be engulfed in all of it. I close my eyes and pray that it all makes sense somehow.

Whoah. 무서워는데… 나 어떡해?

☊ ramblings of the concert absentee ☊

I'm pumped. Adrenaline is gloriously surging thanks to wild spazzing from concert fancams on my pseudo-Monday night. It's one of my least favorite curse called regret. Once again, I missed an event I swore I wouldn't. And once again, I suffer.

During the first years of my fangirling, I scoffed at those so-called "fans" who can never attend their idols' concerts. I thought that there will always be excuses for those with fleeting minds, weak hearts and silly passions. True devotion will find its way. Or make a way, whichever comes quicker.

Now, I still hold on to that belief. I see myself as a lacking fan who has now twice decided to forego the anniversary concert. My circumstances are not much different but I find more excuses somehow. My will has definitely seen better days. And I regret it. So very much.

Hoarse from screaming (out loud and in my head)... and well, just sad. That's me on a Tuesday. I could have been a TON happier if I came to to concert. But that is happiness I stupidly chose to forego~

☊ random: much ado about a chili ☊

Thanks to Shinhwa, I'm not able to think of chili's in the same way ever again ㅋㅋㅋ.
A colleague gave out these gifts from her Seoul trip and I chose the orange one of course.



ㅋㅋㅋㅋ Shinhwa san!!!

☊ first shinhwa spazz session ☊

Coffee and pretty pastries at Paris Baguette ^^. This was how I finally met my dear friend who introduced me to this Shinhwa madness! We met in person for the first time and spent 3 hours (i think, could be more?) spazzing over Shinhwa oppa's ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ We bored the hell out of my other friend hahahaha but there was just no stopping the powerful fangirl loving ^^.

Patient Zero... she to me is the root of all this hysteria ㅋㅋㅋ. No matter what, I will always be thankful to those key influences who shared this great happiness and eternal inspiration in my life. Until we meet again!!!! 진심으로 고마워요 ^^

☊ fangirl bucket list ☊

Super Show 4 has just officially ended with an Encore run in Seoul last weekend. I was overwhelmed with confused emotions following my crazy twitter list during the 2-day concert. It was bittersweet getting all the updates online and not being there to witness everything in person. I really thought I'd see a Seoul encore this year ~ But I guess I'd have to park this one item in my bucket list for now.

While I was consoling my silly fangirl self, I realized that I still have a lot I want to do as an ELF. I thought I've done plenty already in the past 4 years… But my bucket list is still quite lengthy as it keeps on growing every year as well!


☆ Super Show 5
☆ Super Show Encore – Seoul
☆ 4-days of Super Show
☆ SMTown – Seoul (again)
☆ SMTown - Singapore
☆ Sungmin's Play
☆ SJM concert
☆ KRY concert
☆ Super Junior fansign
☆ Sukira (again)
☆ Kona Beans
☆ Why Style
☆ KStory
☆ Lotte Star Avenue with Super Junior
☆ Everysing (again)
☆ Decent Ming-focused fancams
☆ Trip to Ilsan, Ming's hometown
☆ Give a gift and letter for Ming

Fangirling makes me such a busy person indeed! I haven't even added those items I can only dream about ~ like maybe really meeting the boys and talking to them. There was once a time when I thought I'd plan out what I wanted to say in case I meet them. I was foolish enough then not to realize how I would be entirely frozen with shock as soon as they appear in front of me. So really, that fansign thing up above is quite scary for me. Just the thought of it makes my heart pound soooooooo hard.

Surely, I'm not the only one to think that this is downright crazy. But I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll expect to see myself either checking off those items from my list ... Or doing everything humanely possible to attempt to do so. There will be times when I'll have to live with my disappointments and comfort my grief with watching fancams of the boys playing around like silly. And then there will be times when I am frozen on the spot, my entire soul doing invisible but near tangible somersaults at the sight of these boys... It will STILL be a crazy journey from here on. And my heart is in it until the end.

☊ ss4 singapore hangover ☊

My life has been all about sushows since 2009. I spend my days either (1) anxiously preparing for the next sushow, (2) blissfully overwhelmed and choked to tears while watching one, or (3) sorrowfully reminiscing the precious moments from the show and missing the boys TERRIBLY … and then I go back to #1 again for the next concert. Today is most certainly a #3 moment for me ㅠ-ㅠ.


I've been looking forward to SS4 in Singapore ever since SS4 Seoul was announced! SERIOUSLY. The first date for SS4 SG was released during the week of SS4 Seoul (Nov 19-20, 2011) … And I clearly remember making a solid pact with my friend while in our Seoul hotel room that we MOST DEFINITELY SHOULD watch the SG concert no matter what. That was after being FLOORED from the performances in Seoul … and being slightly frustrated that we were unable to see the boys up close (unlike SS3). Since my friend and I were both able to watch the Seoul leg of the tour, we already know what to expect for most of show … And yet, I was STILL IMMENSELY NERVOUS! My stomach was flipping over continuously as people start to fill the stadium. My heart was pounding so hard when the lights were dimmed and the sapphire blue sea appeared amidst the excited cheer from the crowd. I felt like choking at my own anxiety and crying at my own insanity all at the same time! Ah, 역시 미치겠다!


Day 1, I was sitting with my friend and we cheered each other whenever our biases were approaching us or was focused on the wide screens. Day 2, we were separated and I had a Heechul-Donghae-Indonesian fan to my left and a Sungmin-Singaporean fan to my right. I thought they were both friendly and cool. I especially enjoyed singing along with Yuri (Heenim-Hae) and standing up to cheer the boys! ELF 짱!!!!! ^^

It was such a delight to see the fan projects executed well on Day 2! The individual projects were quite successful ~ and I personally liked touting my "이혁재 No. 1" and my "sing with 성민" banner during their solos! I even brought home my banners to hang at my workstation! ^^



I thought the Our Love hearts were really nice and I couldn't help but hide my tears behind the huge heart. The White Light project was just spectacular ^^ and the effect was really really beautiful! Too bad I was so scared to take some pictures of that …

I didn't quite love the "Find a Suju Girlfriend" segment but OFCOURSE, that's because I was too jealous ㅋㅋ! The chosen girls were just the luckiest persons in the world ~ how many countries did they save in their previous lives?!?! Aigooooooooooooo ㅠ-ㅠ

Anyway, I managed to focus on Ming a lot on this Singapore leg since I had a better idea of where to expect him when they went around the stage. Unfortunately, my heart trembled sooooo much when he approaches so my hand (in turn) shook a lot too and my pics turned out blurred (aihoo). Saw Ming as Mingroe from the 4th row and WOW, he was JUST GORGEOUS. He was IMMENSELY FLIRTATIOUS and MANLY at the same time while pretending to rough up the other members who were fixated on lifting up his skirt (Siwon and Donghae were so naughty!!)


To the fangirl who chose Kyuhyun over Sungmin~ THANK YOU ㅎㅎ ^^. You shall live in my book! Haha, not that I relish Ming's disappointment but yeah, I'd rather have him couple up with the other members heheh...



During the fountain/suju-shower scene at the end of Day 2, Ming was being an all around assistant~ helping the members take off their earphones, jackets and holding on to their microphones. He was also always helping Hyuk fix his overalls (Day 1&2!) on their Doremi segment. He really is n exemplary Hyung. I'm glad that he was having lots of fun on both days and was playing freely with everyone despite his minor cold.

Singapore has always been a special sushow venue for me for the following personal reasons:
[[ 1 ]] I find the fandom atmosphere at the Singapore Indoor Stadium to be the FRIENDLIEST of all the ones I've attended. All ELF (Singaporean and not) seems so nice and considerate even on high-tension situations (e.g. when the members approach the audience). People would be apologetic if they accidentally bump into you and all that. I even adore the uniformed staff who would manage the fans' photography/videography attempts. Perhaps it is because there is limited language barrier issues but they do treat the fans respectfully despite the difficult situation. I clearly remember the almost cruel expressions of staff from other venues who mercilessly apprehend (I'd say "punish") risk-takers from the audience. I definitely feel safer in Singapore.

[[ 2 ]] Lining up to enter the stadium is quick and easy. I've always had seated tickets but I still had to wait in line for a long time at other venues. The worst was at Seoul where the line was some kilometers long! I've been to SS3 and SS4 in SG and the longest wait we had to endure was maybe 20 minutes? And that was really just because the gates were not yet open. Once the lines start moving, it takes just minutes to get into the stadium. I spend the rest of the waiting time fidgeting on my seat while waiting for the concert!

[[ 3 ]] ENGLISH! ㅋㅋ
SUJU ENGLISH IS DOWNRIGHT AMAZING ^^. Sungmin said "You are so gorgeous!" in his introduction on Day 2 methinks ㅋㅋ! In fairness, they didn't overdo the "Thank You Singapore! I love you, Singapore!" this time around ^^. It was just too sweet.

I don't remember SS3 having a live voice-over translator but it did have subtitles on screen. It was just funny how the scripted subs would sometimes not match what the members were actually saying onstage … And so perhaps that was why they switched to having a live translator in SS4 ^^. I have to say that the seamless connection between the suju members and the Seoul audience is OF COURSE priceless. I had to scream out my Hangul responses immediately after Teukkie's questions just because my excited heart couldn't wait a second longer for the translation in Singapore haha. But still, having the translator enabled non-Hangul speakers to respond to the members' messages.

[[ 4 ]] Massive Fan Projects! I still look up to Taiwan for this... I mean, their word formations for 4 days were CLEARLY PERFECT! But I have to say that I adore the fan project efforts in Singapore despite the less than perfect success rate ^^.

So if there ever will be a Supershow 5 ... I hope Singapore gets 3 days (at least ^^).



That's it. I hope writing this helps my sanity even just a little bit haha ... I imagine that I'll be stuck in reminiscing SS4 SG for a while as I have yet to organize my blairwitch fancams heheh ... I MISS THE BOYS so much whenever I look at the pictures. I can't help it [sigh].

More pictures from Day 1 and Day 2 here.

NOTE: Do NOT take out.

☊ my valentine 2012 playlist ☊

Some emo songs I listen to in celebration of this tortuous event known as Valentines (aww).

[FUJI TV] SS4 in OSAKA - Super Junior Lovely Day
110227 Sukira Eunhyuk - Nell's 기억을 걷는시간
100724 YHY's Sketchbook Donghae, Leeteuk & Sungmin - More Than Words
111215 Sukira Sungmin & Ryeowook - Just Like Now 지금처럼
BEAST YoSeob + 4 Minute GaYoon ver of G.Na What I want To Do If I Have A Lover

And then here's some crazy upbeat hits to lift my spirits UP!!! ^^

Happy Bubble (Featuring 한지민)
떴다 오빠 (Oppa, Oppa)
Pajama Party

Credits to linked videos are as detailed on the videos themselves ^^.

D-5 to Singapore!!!

☊ fan-prose: 폭풍처럼 ☊

그만 말해?

Is what you're telling me?

When I only whispered your name,

Since it's all I can really do.

Though in my head is a hurricane of words,

In my heart is an avalanche of pain,

But with these lips, I can't even say hello.

거짓말로 ~

Is not a decision I can make.

I can reason well and preach reality,

But my heart would not listen at all.

Not with you smiling sincerely,

Not with you walking away,

Not today, nor ever maybe.

그만 울어?

Is all you have to ask from me?

Not my name, nor my face,

Nor my heart … you know nothing of me.

Except that now my tears scare you.

You know nothing of me.

You don't even know that I'm scared too.

거짓말로 ~

Is my one hope and only escape.

How I wish I didn't like you this much.

So I can stop lying, stop crying,

Stop creating so much silly suffering.

How I wish I can give you up,

So I can stop wanting.

정말 내 마음을, 넌 모르겠어.

지금도, 내일도, 그만하고 싶다 ~

근데 어떻까지? 이거 미친 심장이 ~

폭풍처럼이니까.

::::: please read my excuses :::::

(1) So every now and then, I have that rebellious desire to drop my current career and be a drama writer. It lasts for about 10minutes and then I realize that my non-creative background makes that IMPOSSIBLE haha. But still, I jot down some nonsense stuff…

(2) I love LOVE love this song. And it's been a while since I had the courage (and stamina) to create my usual corny, sappy, pathetic writings. How I wish I can recite this in person to that one person haha. And of course, how I wish could painlessly and quickly die from shame afterwards. Anyway, wishful thinking is still free as far as I know.