와 진짜 오랜만이다 … I really intended to diligently exercise my right to spazz through this space but the past months were just thoroughly overwhelming. 힘들텐데 … 난 그냥 멘붕이야~
I left things here while at the brink of transforming into a full blown Shinhwa Changjo. I really didn't understand what I was getting into at that time. I've always considered myself to be a single fandom type of fangirl as my world revolved around being an ELF for the past 5 years. It was a strange, somehow burdensome and a very scary feeling to be drowning in yet another sea of fanchants, balloons, and unending screams.
근데, 어떡하지? There was no use swimming against the tides. In these 6 months, I went back to my early 2008 phase again~ wild eyed and scouring the web for old youtube videos, songs, pictures, profiles, and whatnots to satisfy my Shinhwa fixation. The sensation was very familiar as I went through these same motions with Super Junior. One blog led into another and prompted infinite video searches which filled plenty of my sleepless nights. My external drive began screaming for help as I unexpectedly filled it with Shinhwa downloads of all sorts. My once fanatical sapphire blue world has inevitably been tinged with a very potent shade of orange.
☆ Hyesung oppa looking so MAGNIFICENTLY PERFECT in an old clip~~~ kyaaaaaaaaaaa^^ ☆
I surrendered to confusion and stopped writing. I missed out on sharing my drenched SMTown SG experience, Sungmin's birthday, SJM's new album, KRY's new releases and all the tears from skipping SS5 in Seoul. I can always claim that my hectic work schedules and holiday celebrations ate up most of my time. And they did (honestly, they did) but I had more serious challenges than those. Deep inside, I knew that I was struggling more on how my Eric-biased RICSYUNG fanaticism was transforming into a HYESUNG-bias RICSYUNG obsession hahaha. Oh well, silly things consume what's left of my sanity as always.
☆ Celebrated Ming's birthday with a strawberry cake! ☆
I wasn't able to visit Seoul last year (and that sucked big time) so I was really looking forward to coming for SS5. So imagine how UNBELIEVABLY amazing it would have been to come for Shinhwa's 15th Anniversary Concert (last weekend) and stay in for SS5 (this weekend)? Ah, but the heavens conspired against me and gave me a major work commitment for Q1-2 ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ. I literally shed painful tears realizing how messed up my plans have become. The drama queen in me started nitpicking on my fangirl retirement seeing how things were becoming too inexplicably wrong ...
And so I decided to start writing again. I had to diffuse a bit of the chaotic nonsense in my head. I figured that if I can try to keep things up in here again then I might not feel too defeated with my missed Seoul opportunity. There will be other concerts ... and somehow I will learn to accept my ever growing limitations as a foreign fangirl ... and soon enough I'll manage to find the balance between my 2 major biases ... I just have to keep moving forward.
So I'm (hopefully) back. I'll try to piece together my delayed spazzing updates in the next days. And you'll definitely see more of my idol oppas from here on. Here's to making choices and braving through them!
