" Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be...the people who suffer the most...are those who don't know what they want. "
~~~~~ Dec 2, '11 sukira with WookMin DJ 111123 fan account~~~~~
Without hope or agenda ...
Yes, my Sukira memory feels as heartwarming as that classic Love Actually scene ~
I shall forever be grateful to Autumn for redeeming my unfortunate Sukira summer experience from the previous year! This time, everything was just amazingly perfect ★. Sure, the sub-zero temperature on that night, the bitingly cruel wind, and my failed heat pack had my hands and face frozen solid ... BUT I seriously cannot be happier.
Because I did not check for updates, I came without expectations. I merely wanted to pass by since we were nearby and so I can show my friend how it is to watch the live radio show. We arrived before 10PM and as expected, there was already a good number of fans reserved on all possible viewing areas. So we just took pictures outside KBS and headed to Handel and Gretel to defrost. We decided to just come back after coffee but we had no plans of finishing the show because we left our winter gear at the hotel. When we came back from Handel and Gretel, Sukira was already about 15minutes into the show. The crowd outside the window was not as overwhelming as I thought it would be so we decided to stay and listen in. We managed to squeeze ourselves in the crowd of fangirls and madly clicking cameras. After a few moments of listening to the broadcast, my heart started pounding wildly. That moment of realization was crazy powerful. I was in fact listening to Sungmin DJ instead of EunTeuk ...
KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
@wordsfallthru
@wordsfallthru
@wordsfallthru
photo credits: taken by @criztala using @wordsfallthru cam ^^Do Not Take Out!!!!
So despite our lack of winter wear, we stayed and took fanpics and shaaaaaaky fancams. Ahh, but I was oblivious to everything. I was just intently listening to WookMin's voices and trying to mute the excited chatter of the fangirls around me. However, I did not fail to notice how incredibly nice the fellow fangirls were!!! Totally different from the hostile mood last year. The K-ELF's to my left were very cool and polite. The K-ELF in front of me even acknowledged me when I apologized for accidentally laying my arms on her shoulder while taking a fail fancam! Ahh, that girl was really nice. The J-ELF's on my right were even so considerate as to check if I am getting a good view or not. Everyone else at the back were chatting politely with each other and I certainly heard a good dose of English here and there.
The highlight was definitely the 뿌잉뿌잉 performance from Wook and Ming! I didn't even try to capture Ming's because I wanted to fully absorb his 뿌잉뿌잉!!! I also enjoyed how they were trying to pick their pairing names from the viewer suggestions. And then ofcourse, Ming made sure to do some fanservice for us ELF outside the studio~~ ahh, his voice really made me feel very warm.
@wordsfallthru
@wordsfallthru
We also ran inside the studio with the other fans to catch them leaving the studio. But really, my knees were so weak from so much happiness then so I fell behind and had to tiptoe and peer over the crowd which already formed inside. Soon enough, WookMin came out and Ming gave a heartwarming farewell message ... he thanked everyone who stayed to watch specially since it was very cold. He also said that they will work harder in the future. With that, I just really died.Such is my unforgettable final night in Seoul ...
Thank you, Sukira. No, really ... THANK YOU.
Table of Spazzes circa 2008-2010
May 05, '08 the first written spazz
May 13, '08 painfully wonderful song
Jun 18, '08 성민, 고마워 ~
Jul 28, '08 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해
Oct 18, '08 one million things to think about ...
Jan 06 '09 happy spazzing '09
May 21 '09 fangirl with a vengeance ...
Aug 02, '09 my siwon-cologne
Sep 11, '09 heartaches over hyuk in paris
Oct 06, '09 expanding my horizons
Oct 20, '09 1 month after
Apr 17, '10 그냥
~~~~~ May 5, '08 12:34 AM the first written spazz~~~~~
aww ... so overwhelming ... his eyes, his smile, his voice, his dance moves, his aegyo ^_^ aish!!!
I actually wanted to document this multi-faceted addiction (and I'm semi in the process of documenting it to be honest ... ). I was telling Zari that we can easily be CMMI level 5 certified with our super junior obsessions (as in!) There is just TOO MUCH of super junior out there (which is GREAT) and yet we still can't get enough of them ... at least I CAN'T ... especially with Min ... haaiii ^_^
It's almost hard to believe that I'm just 2 months old into this super junior madness. I checked and the first "welcome to the world of super junior" email I got was dated Feb 27 (cmmi told ya)! But since then, I've HOARDED on pics, mp3's and VIDS. This is my MAJOR reason for buying an external hard drive first thing since I got here in CA. Love the perfs and the shows and the interviews and the cf's ... can't stop playing them over and over and over again.
I used to market suju to my friends (as if in a company talk, complete with paraphernalias). First video is Haengbog MV (intro to cutie suju boys ^_^) with my many warnings and disclaimers ... And then Miracle MV (for more cuteness) ... and then Don't Don MV (for the shocking transformations). And then the pic spamming hahahah ^_^
But the best way to really appreciate the super junior experience is to watch their shows ... I literally had to massage my cheeks for laughing SOOO hard while watching these shows. Start with Super Junior Full House (loads and loads and loads and loads of laughter, promise; plus it's easier to get to know them since you're only shown about 7 members at most for majority of the shoot). Followed by EHB (Exploration of the Human Body) - which is superbly funny and EDUCATIONAL - no kidding. I love both shows ... but came to the conclusion that I totally adore EHB more (in spite of the English attempts in Full House) just because Sung Min was shown more in EHB than in Full House (heheheh)... There are LOTS more shows to watch afterwards (Adonis Camp, Unbelievable Outing, Super Show, Star King ... and more) and I have to admit that I haven't completed ALL of these yet ... and my only excuse is that I am soooo fixated on Sung Min and has been on the prowl for pics and vids and what nots of Sung Min for the past month (or so)!
For the record, I've had these addictions before (Gong Yoo, Vic Zhou, Wentworth Miller) and did the nonstop marathons on shows for hours and hours thanks to DVD tapes. But with suju ... there are no DVDs. It's YouTube (mostly) and some other korean sites for 12 hours straight (minimum) which of course leave me bone tired BUT giddy with suju love hahahah ^_^ Thanks and sometimes no thanks to DSL for this.
So sue me ^_^ I'm just too possessed with this addiction! It's the perfect way to not feel lonely AT ALL even though I'm miles away from my friends ^_^ Awww ... can't wait to go to Korea and wallow in suju love!!!
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~~~~~ May 13, '08 9:56 PM painfully wonderful song ~~~~~~
It's amazing to listen to an honest song. Maybe sometimes, it gets a little difficult as well hehehe ... Just because it can feel like there's so much more said than what was on the lyrics.
So I've been loving this song since (1) I heard it and then loved it doubled over when (2) I read the translation. That's just the thing with foreign languages ... there's simply several layers to appreciating things.
And for this song, I understand the struggle. Finding that one person to hold your hand may be scary-overwhelming ... and yet something you'll need to proclaim to the world just because. For this song, you also feel the hope - that need to entrust your dreams and your happiness ... to SOMEONE. And most of all, I believe in this sincerity. This is something you will sing only for that someone who knows your worst and yet is willing to be there still no matter what.
You are the One
(lyrics credits : aheeyah.com)
내품에 꼭 안겨서 들었던
(Nepume kog angyoso durodon)
(The sound of falling ocean waves we listened to together)
겨울바다의 파도소리가
(gyoulbadaui padosoriga)
(as I held you in my arms)
지금 흐른 눈물에 씻겨져 버리잖아요
(jigum hurun nunmure shidgyojyo borijanhayo)
(is buried by the tears that are falling now)
울지말고 그대 나를봐요
(uljimalgo gude narulbwayo)
(Look at me and don't cry)
You are the one
오직 너만이 내사랑
(ojig nomani nesarang)
(You're the only love for me)
you are the sun
따스히 감싸온 미소
(tasuhi gamsaon miso)
(Your smile washes over me)
you are my love
또 나 역시 그대만의 오직 단 한 사람
(to na yogshi gudemane ojig dan han saram)
(And I'm the only one for you)
언제까지나 곁에 있어요
(onjekajina gyothe issoyo)
(I'll always be by your side)
눈물만큼 사랑은 깊어져
(Nunmulmankhum sarangun giphojyo)
(Love grows deeper as the tears do)
아픈만큼 또 어른이 되요
(aphunmankhum to oruni doeyo)
(I become older as the pain grows)
마음이 닿는데로 그저 걸어가면
(maumi dagnundero gujo gorogamyon)
(I want to believe that all will be okay)
되는거라고 난 믿고싶어요
(doenungorago nan midgoshiphoyo)
(if I go where my heart takes me)
You are the one
오래됐지만 말할게
(oredwejiman marhalge)
(It's been awhile, but I'll say)
you are the sun
항상 너뿐이였단걸
(hangsang nopuniyodangol)
(I've always been only for you)
you are my love
또 가끔은 한걸음 만큼의 뒤에서
(to gakkumun hangorum mankhume dwieso)
(Sometimes I hesitated, afraid that)
너무 가까울까 망설였단걸
(nomu gakkaulka mangsoryodangol)
(I'd be too close standing a step behind you)
어느날 가슴속 바람이 불더라도
(Onunal gasumsog barami buldorado)
(Even if a wind blows across your heart someday,)
그안의 나를 꼭 잡고 놓지 말아요 그대여
(guane narul kog jabgo nohji marayo gudeyo)
(Hold onto me tightly and don't let go my love,)
그 웃음으로 날 잡아줘요
(gu usumuro nal jabajwoyo)
(Hold onto me with your smile)
You are the one
오래됐지만 말할게
(oredwejiman marhalge)
(It's been awhile, but I'll say)
you are the sun
항상 너뿐이었단걸
(hangsang nopuniyodangol)
(I've always been only for you)
you are my love
또 가끔은 한걸음 만큼의 뒤에서
(to gakkumun hangorum mankhume dwieso)
(Sometimes I hesitated, afraid that)
너무 가까울까 망설였단걸
(nomu gakkaulka mangsoryodangol)
(I'd be too close standing a step behind you)
You are the one
오직 너만이 내 사랑
(ojig nomani nesarang)
(You're the only love for me)
you are the sun
따스히 감싸온 미소
(tasuhi gamsaon miso)
(Your smile washes over me)
you are my love
또 나 역시 그대만의 오직 단 한 사람
(to na yogshi gudemane ojig dan han saram)
(And I'm the only one for you)
언제까지나 곁에 있어요
(onjekajina gyothe issoyo)
(I'll always be by your side)
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~~~~~ Jun 18, '08 7:30 PM 성민, 고마워 ~~~~~~
Today, I learned one thing:
>>> disappointments hurt ... sometimes, a lot more than they need to. <<<
And that's life.
And it makes you realize that happiness is not such a renewable resource ... and that there will just be moments when it's awfully hard to smile.
I feel that I'm too old (and failed and stubborn and crazy) for fandom (honestly) ... but I'm grateful that I have this absurdly love-filled world to escape to just whenever. It makes all the cruel things fade into the background even for just a short while... And it's just TOO amazing for me that someone like Sung Min is absolutely clueless on how much gloom he erases ... how much hope he inspires ... in the life of an insane undeserving wacko like me.
So, thanks ... really. I feel like there's so much more I need to say, but ... yeah ... thank you so much ...
I'm playing this now:
~~~ Falling Slowly ~~~
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
... and I am lost in the emptiness ...
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~~~~~ Jul 28, '08 1:54 PM 사랑해 사랑해 사랑해~~~~~
I was chatting with several friends this morning (after an unexpected IM hiatus owing to work!?!?!) and at one point or another, we got to talking about the two most antagonizing topics in our current lives ...
(1) age and
(2) love life (err ... lack of it)
And I understand how absurd it is to talk about those 2 things on a Monday morning no less ~ but yeah, you can't help but rub more salt on the wound, right? So there we were ... wailing silently in our corporate worlds ~ aching hopelessly at a bf-less existence ... hehehe ;)
Now, this is nothing new, really ... not for me at least. I've been protesting my singularity for as long as I can remember (weheheheh!) ... so elaborating on the subject at the start of the week is easily a familiar territory ~ HOME TURF. Except that this time, I DON'T have this magnificently IMPERFECT but lovable guy to obsess on! It's unbelievable ~ but I'm just really AMAZINGLY in love with Min! And for me ... he is no less than PERFECT.
It's hard to explain it (if it's even possible to give an explanation at all) ... Especially since instead of hurting like mad from all the misfortune, I am actually HAPPY! I'm totally inspired and absolutely giddy with joy ~ downloading videos and pics and what nots like there's no tomorrow! And I guess this makes it even more complicated (and stressful) to rant about a non-existent love life ... It's difficult to feel tortured when I can't stop smiling from thinking about Min :). Hahaha, crazy stuff ...
Oh well, it's Monday ~ cut me some slack for rambling about crazy, empty, senseless stuff.
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~~~~~ Oct 18, '08 11:15 AM one million things to think about ...~~~~~
To blog or not to ... awww, I lost (finally) ...
I am seriously amazed at how much mess my mind can hold at once. 기 가 막혀! I have so much clutter on my head that I am resigned to sit back and lazily pick at the edges to make for lame attempts to put things into order. And the success rate is severely disappointing so far... Hence, the blog post.
5,4,3,2,1 ~ my absurdly hyper excitement level is manifesting horribly in a magnificent headache! Is it weird to wake up each day and have this countdown be the very first thing on your mind? (I'm guessing yes?). My OC-ness is driving me to the edge with all the final research and print-outs and what-nots in my dynamic To-Do List. If only I did not slack off on my DIY hangul lessons (aish! shirho!) Now I'm cramming on everything and EVERYTHING that I need-yearn-desire to know about Seoul, Super Junior and Sung Min ~ physically manifested as episodes of temple throbbing ... yaiks!
And yet, I'm really really happy about this (temple throbbing and all) ^_^. I'm giving myself a pat on the back for fulfilling my biggest goal this year! Woohoo! (Ayos!). I did obsess about this A LOT (hahaha). In fact, I probably have a Guiness record for sneaking in this topic (goal/suju/sungmin) in ALL my conversations with friends ... regardless of their responses (^_^). I will always manage to blurt out a line (or 2 or 200) about all this hallyu madness and for that ~ I am sincerely apologetic and enormously grateful for their patience. But hey, I'm a shining example of how things you really really want will find their way into reality ~ if you're just honest about them ...
Now, something about the trip (yes, still on that topic) has been bothering me the slightest bit. It's the 50%-stalking itinerary (nyahaha ^_^) vis-a-vis my pre-mid-life crisis insecurities. But heck yeah, I worry too much! So what if I'll find myself in a crowd of hormonal middle-schoolers (bet ya their naive hearts hanging on their sleeves as they cover their faces while cheering for suju)? I'm past their (err...) conventional age for fangirling and I suppose my pride has grown more limits on it from all these years ... Well, that's just something I need to accept! I'll just focus on me and have a wonderful time. And so what if I'll just see SungMin as an (immensely gorgeous) image on a projector screen (concert-wise)? I'll still be under the same night sky as he is and within scream-my-heart-out distance! I promise not to measure the success of this trip with fangirling victories. To set foot on future-husband-homeland is prize enough. (To placard or not to placard? hmmm ... packing pentelpens...)
And as though my mind has not yet been tortured enough with all that overanalyzing, I still (apparently) have to deal with a couple other emotional challenges on this same pre-seoul weekend!
But I opt not to expound on those anymore ... let's just say that everything happens for a reason ~ everything including farewells.
At the end of this day, [being travel-stressed and emotionally brain-dead] I chose to re-watch one of my super favorite EHB episodes (ep 8!) and I somehow came to a quiet conclusion on how to deal with my uncertainties. I've been focused on all the million things I need to ponder on that I forgot that I only needed a single thing to believe on. One single thing that will make everything else fall into place ~ and then happiness ... and then understanding.
tears for friendship ...
and some for honesty ...
But just one something to believe on ...
And one something to be proud of.
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~~~~~ May 21, '09 10:59 PM happy spazzing '09~~~~~
![](http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/285515_10150253381819678_607604677_7519964_998350_n.jpg")
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
SUNGMINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !!!
HEEEECCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL SSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIII!!! WAAAAAH!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!
OK, I needed to get that out.
Needless to say, it’s been a whirlwind of pleasant and not too pleasant craziness right after the October trip to Seoul. But though I was on LJ-hiatus (by choice ~ just to let the dust settle down), that did NOT mean that spazzing went on vacation as well. I was spazzing all TOO WELL, thank you very much. This is in spite of the off season sujuholic-ness owing to the precious 13 preparing for the (!!!!!!!!!! ^_^) 3rd album launch come March 2009. Gasp! Just thinking about it makes me giddy with delight (goes off to day dream of our next trip to Seoul already!).
[[[ Suju Quick Stats ]]]
Concerts/Perfs Watched: 1 (the ONE for me)
Videos (mvs,perfs,shows,etc…): 530+ I had to track my videos list in an excel file already
MP3’s (albums, rips, etc…): 147
Pics: 3,782
Suju-related Bookmarks: 111
Albums Owned (includes Super Show DVD): 6 <<+1 Shinee>>
Photobooks: 0 (huhuhuhu!!!)
Lightsticks: 3 (!!! Want more !!!)
Sapphire Blue Balloons: 0 (‘tis ok, I lost mine at hallyu concert)
Pins: 3 (2 SungMin haha)
Pumpkin Candy Wrappers: 1
Pink Pajamas Owned: 1
Pink Snake Boa: 1
Forum/Sharesite/Community Memberships: ? (lost track hehehe)
Hyperventilations/Seizures: COUNTLESS (I mean ... just look at below pic)
How can someone grow prettier and manlier at the same time? Ah, but nothing is impossible with dear SungMinnah … his gorgeous-ness increases exponentially as the days pass. I am breathless at near every picture I find of Min on the web. And when I do catch my breath, I let out an honest squeal to release the wild frenzy of hormones and emotions inside (nyaha)!
On a personal note, my New Year’s Resolution is to: Stop forcing my friends to watch my Korean videos. Stop launching a Korean talkfest ALL the time. The “ahuh-next-topic-please” reaction hurts me TOO MUCH. Especially with SungMin talk ~ no, please don’t brush off my SungMin talk. That’s my heart, you guys. That’s bursting my happiness bubble and sneering as light leaves my eyes (so evil!!! aish!). As a preventive measure, I’ll just avoid sharing my soul to most everybody who smiles at me. SungMin+Suju+Korea talk is now reserved for precious people only … for those who can or will at least try to ~ understand the sheer immensity of a love this amazing J
Well, here’s to a year of more SungMin and Super Junior loving! (clicks Soju bottle with another Soju bottle)! Folks are saying that 2009 is a Suju year (new album plus plus) ~ and I believe it. HENCE, 2009 will also be my year! Oh yeah, you bet it will. I’m powered by pure and intense suju inspiration (AJJA spirit flaming!!!!!) so I’m definitely MAKING THINGS HAPPEN MY WAY. ^_^ Hwaiting!!!!
pic credits as tagged (heaven-sent image sources!!!)
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~~~~~ May 21, '09 9:10 PMfangirl with a vengeance~~~~~
I was in Seoul.
It was Suju's 3jib comeback promotions.
Repackaged 3jib album was supposed to come out.
It was the week of the Hi Seoul Festival.
And it was the weekend of several family celebrations in Korea (children's day, parents' day).
What were the odds that I would land my dream fangirl extravaganza on this set-up? As a professional technical analyst, I would daresay that an absolutely amazing fangirl experience is a plausible reality given the highly conducive factors listed above. The interesting mix of positive events makes it a good candidate for the best-case-scenario on a fangirl project plan. Needless to say, I was in the highest of high spirits...
But then, the inevitable series of unfortunate events crashed in.
1. I was still in Seoul (thank goodness!)
2. But Suju's sorry sorry song promotions were on a low note (because of preps for repackaged album) ...
3. And then Repackaged album release was delayed for 3 more days...
4. And only Kara graced the Hi Seoul Festival activities (sheesh) ...
5. Plus, the only thing I heard from suju on parents' day was that they discussed it on Sukira. We went to SBS for Sukira (I loved saying this to the ahjussi guard: supah junioh kiss the radio) but they were not shooting that day (arrgh).
And so I sure hoped that our very simple guesthouse accomodation was somehow soundproof because I belted out my fangirl screams watching super junior on TV everytime we were in the room. I was lucky enough (imagine that) to catch them a lot on shows. I managed to watch atleast 2 Star King episodes, Heechul's Happy Together, my SungMin's SBS Song Challenge, rerun of Introducing a Star's Friend with Hyuk and Music Core! I love our very very humble TV screen...
I was very depressed (seriously) when I bought my set of version A and version B 3jib CD's at Evan Records. Wae? Because they did not have posters!!! Poof! Down the drain with my good mood. Lesson learned: ditch Evan. I'll buy my CD's on the small CD shops on underground shopping centers next time.
Good thing I was also getting zari her CD's ... this CD shop in underground myeondong had posters (wee!). Sadly, the sungmin-heechul-kibum poster was no more (oh, my heart breaks some more). Still, I got the hae poster and the one with all 13. Since it was raining that day, I was extremely cautious in protecting my poster loot and used the umbrella-plastic bag to wrap them haha.
I was also hoping to grab some magazines with suju on them ... but there was only Elle Girl. I planned to just get a copy at the airport but alas, only the F4 magazines were there. Oh, sadness.
No Inki (which was fine because suju was not there anyway), MuBank/MuCore (how hard is it to get it?!?), and not even Everysing T_T. I guess there will always be a next time ...
I was not really too sad (overall) because I did get to be a tourist in Seoul (which I missed the last time I went there). But I guess I was really really hoping that there would be at least one spazz-worthy fangirl experience. It broke my heart that I didn't see suju. I was literally crossing seas to cheer on them! Haha, well ... goes to show that there's only so much an OC-fangirl like me can plan for. Destiny owns up a HUGE part on this venture.
And so I pledge this. I will be returning to Seoul with twice as much fangirl spirit as before and I will INDULGE in anything and everything super junior! So help me, God. Ajja hwaiting!!! Sungmin, saranghae!!!
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~~~~~ Aug 2, '09 5:38 AM my siwon-cologne~~~~~
Kudos to my officemate who went on vacation to Bangkok last June. I asked her to buy me any suju stuff so she came back with the 12plus fragrances featuring Donghae, Heechul and Siwon ^_^.
The Donghae piece (in purple!) is with Zari ofcourse. This Heechul one is with my cousin Lea. So how funny is it that I'm left with Siwon? Hahaha ~ no Sungmin nor Teuk, Hyuk, Geng not even Kyu. 'Tis fine, the Siwon one smells nice ^_^. And it's on Sungminnie Pink.
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~~~~~ Sep 11, '09 6:14 PM heartaches over hyuk in paris~~~~~
How many emotions can I extract out of my raw, sincere fangirl scream upon reading and watching all about Hyuk's Paris trip?
1. Awe. I almost still can't believe he went alone on this trip. This guy is downright amazing. Wow. This first emotion creeps in every now and then in between the other emotions because I am still somehow in disbelief. Hyukjae-ssi, you are one of the bravest persons out there. 짱!!!
2. Envy. At the fangirls who met him at the airport. At the fangirls who helped him ride the public transport, Coke in can and all. It's a perfect fangirl encounter. I love every part of the story to death that I even dreamt about it! How fantastic was that!?!? My favorite part was Hyuk getting his book and saying Thank You in French. Omona ...
3. Gratitude. That he is getting an adventure-vacation after all his hardwork. That there were fangirls who helped him get to where he is going. I loved them for making him feel thoroughly special ... and of course for helping him.
4. Fear. My crazy obssessive-compulsive alarms are all messed up because I'm worried that Hyuk would have some difficulty with the language and the new place. I'm trying to kill this emotion though :). I believe in HyukJae-ssi!!! He's more than the endearing suju rapper-dancer-crybaby who is loved so much... So I need not worry about him at all!
5. Sadness. Weirdest emotion on this list perhaps ... but it really bothers me especially when I view the fancams. First, I wish Hyuk didn't have to give all the fansigns (stopping here and there and posing for ambush cameras...). I suppose it was flattering and all that, but it would feel no different from his work in Korea. I'm sure he didn't mind but still ... I imagine that he won't have to do those if he were with family or friends (?) because perhaps they would shield him from the fans. Anyway, the second sad point was imagining Hyuk alone on the trip. Again, this is his adventure journey so I feel that he wants this experience as is. Just that, I sense he would have lots of fun too if he were with a kindred soul to talk to and share the wonderful moments in Paris with. Yeah, weirdness becomes me now.
Oh well ...
I'm looking forward to seeing his pictures from this trip! I really really really hope with all my heart that he immensely enjoys this vacation! Eunhyuk-ssi, fighting!!! Himnaesaeyo!!!
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~~~~~ Oct 6, '09 2:03 PM expanding my horizons~~~~~
Where do I start?
It has been a year and a half since I became thoroughly immersed in fandom. Since then, I pledged to learn anything and everything that has something to do with Korea which includes but is not limited to:
[+] learn Hanggul! well, at least learn enough to sing along during norebang sessions ~
[+] eat Korean food! (all pass except maybe samgyetang)
[+] drink soju! (fail, sikhye or ooyoo instead hehe)
[+] research about Korea!
[+] go to Korea! (pass!)
[+] download from clubbox (pass!)
[+] create cyworld (pending)
I should get a korean hairstyle next but I'm not brave enough to mess up with my crowning glory.
It feels good to get a lot done especially because I so desired for these to be realized. However, as I learn more about Korea, suju, and Ming, my list of things to do becomes longer too!
[+] learn guitar! (Ming-driven)
[+] learn Japanese! (Ming-driven)
[+] research Taiwan! (in case suju goes there for concert)
[+] learn Chinese! (sjm and new chinese friend -driven)
[+] learn taekwondo!? (perhaps ... not really ... but for consideration)
[+] watch Korean plays! (aarghhh ... maybe just Akilla ... but still)
It's a bit stressful TT_TT. There's so much more I still want to do on Korea alone ~
[!] sing on Everysing!
[!] see celebrities on Apgujeong ~ suju in particular
[!] watch SUKIRA!!!
[!] work in SM! or be sj's dorm noona hahah ^_^
[!] seriously, travel to the different cities
[!] eat (a lot of) kyochon chicken! buy byul crackers!
[!] watch sj concert in Korea ...
Life is too short? Nah, time just goes out too fast ... Waa! I shouldn't sleep to make time for all of these. I should be earning lots and lots and lots of money to fund all these as well. Aish!
If it's any consolation, it's still good knowing what I want. I don't know if I will achieve everything ... I'll just take it one at a time. I'll do at least a little something of each everyday.
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~~~~~ Oct 20, '09 one month after~~~~~
Has it been a month already? Time is such a cheater~
In a month’s time,
[+] Akilla started its run. Killed me with Ming’s makeup and costume (wth, skin now my Min?). It’s killing me everyday with fanpics for fear of a skinship shot (more than that on the presscon). I’ve pledged to be understanding on this since Ming forewarned of skinsip on his cyworld anyway ~ and duh, Romeo and Juliet without skinship? But I think my life would be more peaceful if no skinship pics leak out …
[+] Asia Song Festival and Dream Concert rockin’ perfs. I was too envious of the fancams, fan accounts and the fan pics. I would have watched those if I was on Seoul.
[+] Chuseok Star Dance Battle Genie perf. I still replay this a LOT LOT LOT. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this especially for the 2pm dance steps at the end. I think it was an Leeteuk perf because he looked too cute on his Boom rendition~ PLUS he was just a bit too confident on his smooth legs (didn’t even attempt to cover it up after their perf ^^ my leader).
[+] Japan Premium Event TBS broadcast … pure madness … I am STILL replaying Disco Drive and Shining Star once a day at the minimum. They were just GLORIOUS on it. I don’t have the right words for this. The perfs PLUS the dorky super junior impromptu poses and the HyukMin CUTENESS OVERLOAD.
[+] Oppa Band backlogs … I know I know, I’ve been slacking off on this because (1) my early work shift means that I can’t abuse my Sunday nights like before and (2) Clubbox acted up so I stopped downloading from there. No excuses! But I never miss an episode per week (even the one without Ming)! I DIED so much at Ming rocking “Molla! Molla!” on his Insooni cover. My heart aches at the thought of Oppa Band ending … so I sincerely hope that it won’t end just yet.
[+] Donghae’s saengil came by with the Zhangliyin MV teaser… now the full MV is out and … Can I just say? Donghae had 100 times more emotion on his stills than Zhangliyin did on the entire vid. I have nothing against the girl but you know ~ without Hae, I don’t think the mv would’ve been worth the download.
[+] And lastly, Kangin’s 2nd run in with the police in a month … SO MUCH has been said about him and this incident and what he and SM should do about it. I am not a Kangin fan so I feel like I have no say on it. I just feel bad for him primarily because (1) Leeteuk and Heechul are NO DOUBT suffering with Kangin on this and (2) Ming’s heart is most likely aching for his hyung too. I support Kangin because I know deep inside that he loves his members. I believe he has a good heart and I sincerely hope that he will get through this as a better person.
And now, I’m starting to collect the Super Show 2 Shanghai vids, pics, fan accounts and what nots. I can’t say that I’m completely done with HK yet ~ I don’t think there will be a limit to my obsession on this one. But as a dutiful OC-fan, I should not slack off on the available media now since they will not always be out there. I need to build my stock knowledge in hopes of watching an encore in Seoul … (crosses fingers).
On some side notes~
[+] Shinee comeback MV was like WHOAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Key had some piercing (PIERCING, for real) looks and Taemin was looking more Heechul-like with his tantalizing gazes ~ Ok, the song is now growing on me because I’ve replayed the MV a lot haha ^_^.
[+] Episodes 3 and 4 of Minami Sineyo HOOKED me. Hongki is just ADORABLE to death. I like him the most … I find Jang Geun Seok funny too but Hongki owns my absolute exaltation at this drama.
[+] Zari and mine’s hohosik videos nyahaha ^_^. As if we need more reason to NOT FORGET that concert day.
Single fandom rocks. Multiple fandom brings immense joy but it’s too much for me. At the end of the day, it’s just suju for me.
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~~~~~ Apr 17, '10 2:42 PM 그냥 ~~~~~
It's a depression that only one other person I know understands. That really kinda sucks.
The sadder thing about it is that I'm actually doing a root cause analysis on it just to provide a proper closure on the issue. Dorky much?
Fine, this is inappropriately pathetic but i'm still doing it. No haters here please (aside from myself).
So (1) why was it depressing?
> because I only had 2-seconds worth of 밍's attention
(2) why only 2-seconds?
> because 밍 did not really play around with our section?
(3) why didn't he mess with us?
> because he wasn't really supposed to, based on their blocking positions?
> because there were control booth folks in front of us
> because there wasn't really a proper section off the stage where he can play with us? ours was a transition point (moving from one part of the stage to the next) ~
(4) so why does it still make me sad considering the technical reasons above?
> because he got to play more with the other fans (though I avoided the fancams so I really am not aware of the extent this playing around with other fans mean)~
> because we came prepared with banners this time but I felt like we had more playtime with him @ HK~
> because it was the last sushow stop and I expected something special though (a) that 2-second acknowledgment was indeed special and (b) I had so much negative thoughts about the concert because of the ignorant fanaticism rampant amongst the local fan-wannabees (only my hatred is allowed!)
Aha, so I'm really depressed because of my own surreal expectations. I knew it. And this is the exact reason why I can't harbor any ill feelings towards 밍 (not for long, anyway). I knew it well that I (yep me!) made myself depressed.
I think I figured that part out at some point when I was crying my eyes out several times during the past week. It was just a mixture of too many expectations that I lost my logic somewhere along the pathetic hiccups. It's not really fair (nor reasonable) for me to be carrying those silly expectations for 밍. Reality check: 난 그냥 바보야 ~ What have I really done to deserve some good tidings from him? 진짜 바보야~
So yes, that broke my heart real good last weekend. It also made me realize how selfish I've become since I've grown into this fandom. Greed being a double edged sword on this case because: (1) it was never my first policy to alienate anyone based on initial impressions. But now I've learned to be judgmental on people because they are affiliated with such and such and because they should seriously at least attempt a decent hangul literacy. And then again (2) I didn't use to look down on myself so much before. But now I realize how thoroughly lacking I am and perhaps that's why I shy away from close encounters with the idol stars... case in point: 홍기 + losing my mind when 슈주 is around.
I do realize how awful those 2 selfish points are ~ especially now that I've written them down. Yes, these shall haunt me as the negative repercussions of my addiction. I'll be able to live with them for now. But someday, should I ever be given that chance to be friends with 밍, I will be shamed to admit to these 2 unkind behaviors I exhibited under his fandom. He seriously deserves a better person.
As it is, these 2 selfish points are easily overpowered by so many amazing benefits of growing into the fandom. Since there is seriously too many good stuff to mention, I'll just write down one of them: it's being independently positive. I can just be with myself and feel immensely happy and inspired by them. All other stress-factors ~ family, friends, work, lack of lovelife fade into the dark background in an instant! It's really magical ^^.
So there. I was momentarily drowning in tears and now I'm over it ~ and now more in love with 밍 if that is even still possible. And with that, it's time to officially close my SS2-Manila depression. It's time to move on.
4집 대박!
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spazz with me! ㅋㅋㅋ