☊ time jump - it's 2021 ☊

Welcome to yet another fresh start. 

Spent the last 7 years, basically just talking in my head. The most I've written was probably the goodbye letters for my previous colleagues. I think I did well on that though and for sure I made at least a few of my ex-teammates cry haha (kudos?!). I turned to videos (just family and travel ones) so I didn't have to write much apart from some captions here and there. I still attempted to deliver some wise words on the vids ... and those words are all for my own personal viewing haha. 

And finally, IG taught me to keep my statements short enough so people actually try to read them in my stories. Reality is, no one has the time nor patience to spend longer than a few seconds on what you have to share. That's fine ... it will train me well so my self-eulogy will not end up as a novel. But I'm trying to get back here ... just because. Maybe it's worth recording my insanities even just for myself. Also, there is another perfect storm brewing in my heart. I knew that this has already happened before. But I just realized that I actually collected those memories over here.

 

DEJAVU... this is the same insanity at a different time.

I just made that up of course. 

Here's to attempting to write again. Here's to becoming a Stay. 

And here's to a whole new world of fangirl screams in my head.

☊ treasure island smtown 2013 ☊

Just wanted to share some pics and whatnots before my SMTown experience blurs into oblivion. 'Twas a cold winter day when I trooped to Ilsan with my rookie concert buddy. I normally go for 2 days of partying during these concerts but Ilsan is too far away that I fear serious commuting issues coming home from day 1. Hence, I only chose to go for day 2 - and this Sunday was a particularly gorgeous day for some Super Junior loving.



So the last time I was in Seoul for a concert was Super Show 4 - which is (in my opinion) one of the most AMAZING sushows yet! Things were definitely tons different then. But walking into the Ilsan concert hall last December, I felt an almost involuntary sense of fangirl panic and insane anticipation! This can only be because I was going to see the boys again after what felt like forever!!! AIGOOOOOOOO...


But before the concert proper, there is this divine exhibition of course. The picture/standee wall was tons adorable! If I was my old self, I would have taken a picture of each of the members from the wall ... Ahhh, but my circumstances were quite different that time. I had to take pictures of my concert buddy as she was just off the charts giddy with excitement hahahah~~ It was quite cute actually ... But having to take and re-take her pictures kind of killed it for me. I just didn't want to linger around the photo wall for much longer. Perhaps it was at this point that I felt myself taking on a different fangirl soul hehe.


Can I just mention here that the official concert goods were just a little bit blah? My oh my, who is this talking indeed? I used to just clean off the inventory on concert goodies. My dear, I still remember how I bought that ss4 nametag way back when... But this time, I just got my lightstick and shirt. AMAZING.

The rest of the exhibit was pretty neat. I thought the costume displays were kinda cool. Ah, but it really makes you realize how many artists SM carries now, right? As mush as there were plenty enough suju-related displays, I still kind of felt that EXO had maybe more? I am most likely incorrect but I'm telling you that it just felt like it. Anyway, my suju members are pretty and gorgeous and STILL just irresistible eye-candies regardless of age ~~ I feel so proud of them.



Omona, my Shinhwa oppa-deul were also on showcase! SM being their original home is proudly featuring their awesome albums. I also loved how the Rookies danced to one of Shinhwa's songs during their opening performance. Love love love love love love SM!





Oh how I've missed my Shinee boys... I mean, I've been kind of following all their activities last 2013. But it just feels a little different somehow. I just can't explain this. But anyway, was fangirling over them gloriously at the exhibit heheheh...




We didn't spend a long time at the exhibits as it was announced that lining up has already opened. But just before we went into the queues, we met this lovely Kyuhyun fan who gave us hugs and posed for a picture. ELF's are just undeniable super jjang!!!!!!


It was a short comfortable wait at the standing lines. While waiting, we were given free banners for concert projects. This is one of the things I will always adore about Seoul concerts ... the devotion of fans is incomparable.


Soon enough, we were led inside the hall. The standing area was slowly filled with all kinds of giddy fans. Me and my rookie concert buddy took a spot by the perimeter hehe ... just to avoid crowding. We saw Son Dambi walk in from our spot. She was really pretty! Some of the girls cheered her on as she walked past. The opening act was the Rookies. They were great performers of course. I wonder how they will fit into the SMTown family with all the hype around their debut.

Although, the general vibe was really good and people were all excited, I felt that undeniable "calm" in the air. There was no heartbreaking tension of sorts which was palpable during sushow4... It just felt like one huge party with the boys - which was really AMAZING! Don't get me wrong ... I was singing and cheering for the boys the entire time. I reminisced all my favorite tunes and thoroughly enjoyed watching my all-time beloved dance moves ㅋㅋㅋ. It was also unbelievable to watch the endearing friendship between the members... I have indeed missed them so so so so so much.


The concert lasted a little less than 3 hours... Heenim had another hosting gig at the year-end show which was just on the next hall. Hahah, I wish we attended that event too. Anyway, there were no tears at this concert. The members were passionate as always ... just that everyone was not that emotional hahah. The fans were kinda "normal" too. None were choked with feelings and all that. Hence, the concert ended and we parted ways easily. This was certainly a first for me in Super Junior concerts. I normally feel like burying my heart in my concert seat!!!! But this time, I didn't have to leave with such a heavy heart.


I still remember how I was just at my wits' ends after every sushow I've attended in the past years. I used to tremble as I recall the stage performances and ments while staring off in the subway ride home. This time, I was definitely not like that. I was much calmer... Happy, yes~ but not insanely so. Thrilled and amazed, yes~ but none of these feelings were new to me anyway. Was I choked to tears~ for 10 seconds, yes. Afterwards, I was just just tired and melancholy. Was it because I didn't exactly see Sungmin up close? Maybe, yes. Was it because my view was a bit uncomfortable having been on standing for the FIRST TIME in all my concert-going years? Well, that's a possibility. Anyway, it was just different. I was a different ELF coming back. But nevertheless an ELF~ as I shall be forever, right?

☊ colossal writer’s block ☊

Has been months now. Maybe even some years now. I can't exactly say when I stopped writing, really. It just dawned on me on a totally random, unexceptionally bleak day~ WORDS have started to literally FAIL me. I just dropped any thought process whatsoever. Bliss, sorrow, oblivion, regret and redemption ~ everything just washes over me relentlessly, one after another. I've become a passive spectator to my own tumultuous absurdities. It feels so tiring to think back, fight back, reason against it… so I choose to just be engulfed in all of it. I close my eyes and pray that it all makes sense somehow.

Whoah. 무서워는데… 나 어떡해?

☊ pics-04 [2013-14 the year's journey] ☊

<<< Part 01 Here >>>
<<< Part 02 Here >>>
<<< Part 03 Here >>>

Continuing on to more of Shin Hyesung's breathtaking beauty ^^...

Cutest Crayon Pop rendition ever? Hahahah, he is totally adorable!


He is perfection.




It's crazy but I still go back to relive those magical winter nights. The grandeur of the concert hall... the majesty of the performances ... and of course, the purely amazing Shin Hyesung oppa.

☊ ramblings of the concert absentee ☊

I'm pumped. Adrenaline is gloriously surging thanks to wild spazzing from concert fancams on my pseudo-Monday night. It's one of my least favorite curse called regret. Once again, I missed an event I swore I wouldn't. And once again, I suffer.

During the first years of my fangirling, I scoffed at those so-called "fans" who can never attend their idols' concerts. I thought that there will always be excuses for those with fleeting minds, weak hearts and silly passions. True devotion will find its way. Or make a way, whichever comes quicker.

Now, I still hold on to that belief. I see myself as a lacking fan who has now twice decided to forego the anniversary concert. My circumstances are not much different but I find more excuses somehow. My will has definitely seen better days. And I regret it. So very much.

Hoarse from screaming (out loud and in my head)... and well, just sad. That's me on a Tuesday. I could have been a TON happier if I came to to concert. But that is happiness I stupidly chose to forego~

☊ 걱정마 어디 안가 ☊

Sometimes, I can't help but wonder ... what else is there to my fangirl years aside from being a growing number? Now way past my toddler years, I guess I even barely celebrated my 6th year at all. Will it be reminiscent of a woman's age? Will I stop counting when it just becomes unbearable? Or rhetoric? Or mediocre? Or just simply forgotten?

I didn't need to come to Seoul to feel this melancholic. I knew well enough that my fiercely proud fandom passion has seen grave changes in the past years. It was probably just inevitable. Time is cruel like that for sure. But I suppose I still came to see for myself how I've become. Perhaps I came to break down my superiority complex and differentiate my wisdom from cynicism and regret... For whatever reason, I did come bearing my lightstick against my pounding heart. I came shielding my painful tears with my sincere cheers. I came knowing that my excitement was not what it used to be... and that somehow I will see that reflected in their eyes as well. My boys, my dearest members. Alas, I really just came to see them again.



Change is a stupid and scary thing. And there's no escaping it. Surely, I'm not the fangirl I once was. But I do kinda remember how inexplicably atrocious I have been~~ gushing and squealing at every little thing like there's no tomorrow. I end up buying the silliest things with just their picture or name on it.. or anything sapphire blue for that matter! I recall how I always end up doing crazy monologues about how amazing and incomparable and wonderful and superb and perfect the boys are! Sure enough I built quite a reputation for my fangirl insanity with my family and friends. And now I feel quite mature to be actually admitting to that sad reality hehehe.

But I also recall how blissful I was watching their videos. I can still go back to those moments seeing them in person and not having any logical way of describing the tumult of emotions inside me. The friends I met and lost ... and those who stayed by me through all these hormonal episodes ... I know them all by heart.



It is true that I am different now. I feel guilty liking other groups and sometimes, feeling too tired to watch every new thing from the boys online. I now realize how extreme my devotion was so that now I just feel uncomfortable to miss these "small" things. I seriously didn't think that a time like this will come. I was painfully ignorant, I suppose.

But after seeing them last winter, I guess I came to understand one thing. This "over-thinking" and "over-analyzing" my fangirl status is definitely the most annoying aspect about my fangirl devotion. There's no denying that I still love them. There's no doubt that I will cheer and stand behind them for whatever. And because I've followed them for years already, I should be able to give myself a little break every now and then. And even a little forgiveness. I know that I'll always be grateful for the happiness I gained from supporting them in the past years. I will always be defined by the silly chants I still religiously mutter (saranghae!), the full albums I know by heart, and the indelible sparkle in my eye at the mention of their name. I can definitely grow old with these. No matter what, these things will never change.

So I guess, at the end of the day, I really won't go anywhere. Not in this lifetime anyway. I'll be the last ELF standing if it comes to that. So don't worry dear boys. Don't worry about a thing at all.

☊ pics-03 [2013-14 the year's journey] ☊

<<< Part 01 Here >>>
<<< Part 02 Here >>>

Just how cute is this little prince?!?! *cue audio of exploding hormones*


I don't know why he makes me crazy... and I don't want to know why ㅋㅋㅋㅋ