Sometimes, I can't help but wonder ... what else is there to my fangirl years aside from being a growing number? Now way past my toddler years, I guess I even barely celebrated my 6th year at all. Will it be reminiscent of a woman's age? Will I stop counting when it just becomes unbearable? Or rhetoric? Or mediocre? Or just simply forgotten?
I didn't need to come to Seoul to feel this melancholic. I knew well enough that my fiercely proud fandom passion has seen grave changes in the past years. It was probably just inevitable. Time is cruel like that for sure. But I suppose I still came to see for myself how I've become. Perhaps I came to break down my superiority complex and differentiate my wisdom from cynicism and regret... For whatever reason, I did come bearing my lightstick against my pounding heart. I came shielding my painful tears with my sincere cheers. I came knowing that my excitement was not what it used to be... and that somehow I will see that reflected in their eyes as well. My boys, my dearest members. Alas, I really just came to see them again.
Change is a stupid and scary thing. And there's no escaping it. Surely, I'm not the fangirl I once was. But I do kinda remember how inexplicably atrocious I have been~~ gushing and squealing at every little thing like there's no tomorrow. I end up buying the silliest things with just their picture or name on it.. or anything sapphire blue for that matter! I recall how I always end up doing crazy monologues about how amazing and incomparable and wonderful and superb and perfect the boys are! Sure enough I built quite a reputation for my fangirl insanity with my family and friends. And now I feel quite mature to be actually admitting to that sad reality hehehe.
But I also recall how blissful I was watching their videos. I can still go back to those moments seeing them in person and not having any logical way of describing the tumult of emotions inside me. The friends I met and lost ... and those who stayed by me through all these hormonal episodes ... I know them all by heart.
It is true that I am different now. I feel guilty liking other groups and sometimes, feeling too tired to watch every new thing from the boys online. I now realize how extreme my devotion was so that now I just feel uncomfortable to miss these "small" things. I seriously didn't think that a time like this will come. I was painfully ignorant, I suppose.
But after seeing them last winter, I guess I came to understand one thing. This "over-thinking" and "over-analyzing" my fangirl status is definitely the most annoying aspect about my fangirl devotion. There's no denying that I still love them. There's no doubt that I will cheer and stand behind them for whatever. And because I've followed them for years already, I should be able to give myself a little break every now and then. And even a little forgiveness. I know that I'll always be grateful for the happiness I gained from supporting them in the past years. I will always be defined by the silly chants I still religiously mutter (saranghae!), the full albums I know by heart, and the indelible sparkle in my eye at the mention of their name. I can definitely grow old with these. No matter what, these things will never change.
So I guess, at the end of the day, I really won't go anywhere. Not in this lifetime anyway. I'll be the last ELF standing if it comes to that. So don't worry dear boys. Don't worry about a thing at all.
